My Life

I’ve never believed, since the day I was born, that karma exists. Why should I believe that I had done something to not deserve a father? There’s no such thing as equivalent exchange, you never get what you deserve, you only get what you take. If you’re not willing to tip the scales in your favor then you’ll stay exactly where you are, that why I did it. I had the drive to get out of the hell I was living in and I knew exactly how to do it.

……
I’m sorry…
I don’t need that. She was the only family I had…
As long as we have each other we’ll be the only family we need.
…
I know I’m not your mom, and I never want or will be, but we’re men now. At least let us be that, for her.
…

He didn’t say anything at that moment but I knew he heard me. As soon as my lies fell on his ears I knew I had a slave for life and all it cost was the promise of someone else’s high…

“in local news, a struggle for drugs carries violence into the home of 51 year old Maryann Hill. Gun shots were fired inside the home one which found its way into the chest of Ms. Hill with police arriving just about 2 after they were initially called and paramedics arriving shortly after. Maryann Hill was confirmed dead on arrival at 6:47 this evening.”

Everything bleeds, even me
Every soul screams for she, even me
You want to fly, even with me
You’ve seen my heart but, still want to see
Everyone has a fantasy even me
Everyone hurts even me
Everyone hurts even me
Everyone hurts even she
Everyone has damaged her, even me.

Its been a while since I’ve been able to look at you with clear eyes. I’m all on my own and it’s mistakes I’m prone. For sins to atone so its die by your world or fall from my throne.

When you’re watching porn and you come across a picture of a person that looks WAY too much like your sexy friend, #$%!, so you finish, then text that friend in a very coy “hey how’s it going” kinda way so they dont assume that you’ve seen them naked, (because that’s what I assume when people text me) but #$%! doesn’t respond. After analyzing the picture for any bruise from the 5th grade, heartshaped birthmark, strange bumps, and of course the one tatto on her left arm that no one else in the world should have cause they’re not hardcore anime fans, you can’t see because in some ironic show of dominance the very creator of this world decided to make #$%! put her put that very special left arm behind her back just out of the view of her 5 mega pixel, HD, iPhone 4 with front and rear facing camera to perfect shot just like this (rest in peace Steve Jobs)… So, then you start trying to identify things in the background of the picture, because by this point you’ve already saved it to your desktop and made it your background and that person’s contact picture for when they call you (“Oh hello #$%! I was just thinking about you…NAKED”), but all you can find is an Xbox so you can’t really tell if it’s her or not because you can’t remember if she has an Xbox, but you know she has a Wii so dew to wishful thinking you just assume that she has both and this new discovery leads you to believe that it is actually her but, once again you have to be sure… So you take the dirty picture you’ve gotten off to at least twice and compare it to just about all of the 400+ pictures she has on Facebook and realize you’ll probably never find anything like this because it’s not everyday she poses like a MySpace pornstar but that’s why you’re looking because deep down youre not looking for the identity of a young twenty-something posing for a picture she probably sent to some boy, no, you’re looking for the rest of them, that truck load of scandalous pictures that’ll unlock your left and right brain and have it open for imaginative lustful overhaul every time you think about, hear, see, taste, or smell your sexy friend, #$%!, because whether it’s confirmed or not… You have seen her naked and that’s all the fuel you need to ignite the copious amounts of sexual fantasies you will undoubtedly project onto your significant other. So the next time you’re having sex and you’re thinking of #$%! instead of Catherine from the bar you go to, and she asks “Oh my goodness whta has gotten into you?!” as she moans like a virgin, you can say, “#$%! got into me…”

I don’t think anyone else knew but, I could tell. I have a sort of way, about these things. I could see it in his eyes and in the way he walked. It was a very satisfied walk, a walk that said, “Yes, I just had sex with your best friend.” But that wasn’t all, he didn’t just have sex with her, he forced himself inside of her in the most gentle and caring way. He wasn’t your average rapist, no, he didn’t want you to feel the pain of it all, he wanted you to like it. He was actually your prince charming pushing his way into your heart.

For 2 weeks straight I watched him leave his house at 9:45 pm. Somedays he would dress in average clothes and others he’d be a bit more conspicuous. I waited at my window every night for him to return and every night he did with the same look in his eyes and the same sense of satisfaction in his walk.

I never had the pleasure of giving any man, or woman for that matter, the satisfaction he felt each night. I was too afraid of what was between my legs, afraid of what would happen if anyone were to come near it. If I ever got the chance what would happen?
Would they have to search for my vagina in my jungle of embarrassing untreated hair?
What if i was too tight?
Should i move?
Do i just lay there?
Who would even like that?

These thoughts always kept me away from the jewels I hear women on T.V. praise so much. I needed to know what it was like up close. The movies and pictures on my computer couldn’t be trusted for reality. So I… I followed him… I wore my darkest clothing which happened to be a navy blue skirt and a black tanktop i bought last year for my 16th birthday. 9:45 came around and like clockwork he emerged from his cave. He was in casual clothing tonight pressed khaki pants and a blue and white, striped polo shirt. I followed him to a number of bars I assumed he frequented while searching for the perfect woman to experience him. I noticed that he was leaving the 4th bar of the night rather quickly. I grabbed my purse and followed at a distance. He was already a good bit ahead of me, as I exited the bar, I thought I had lost him and in an instant I felt it. I cautiously followed the impulse and there it was. In a dark alley, she had an even greater sense of satisfaction than my neighbor did. It seemed so natural, for him to take what I was too afraid to give. As I spied over the act I could almost feel him inside me. My heart began to pound and suddenly I feared I would be caught so I ran home.

I fantasized over the feeling for hours after I got home. I wanted it for myself. The following night I left my house at 9:44 pm I reached his door step just as he was leaving. He stopped in his doorway and looked at my pale naked body. Goosebumps ran over my tiny boobs, I stepped closer and touched his face and… he just left. He just left me there naked at his door without touching me or anything. I curled up in a ball and cried at how foolish i had been.
Who would want me?
I am too tight.
Too wet.
Too still.
Who would want me…